A Personal Letter to my Father

Many of you know that I started this blog to vent when no one else would listen, brag when everyone had heard enough about the kids or cry when I was too proud to let my feelings out in public. This is the vessel that helps me release those many and varied emotions. If you can't handle it well tune in again a different day. This is the letter that I wish I had the spine to write and mail to my Dad for his birthday. Today is his 71st.

Dear Dad,

I need to reach out to you and share that I am truly sad with the state of our relationship. In my wildest dreams, I would never have imagined that I would go a week much less months without speaking to or seeing you. There are no words for the level of pain that I feel everyday without you in my life. It really didn't have to be this way. It isn't what I wanted.

After a year of reflection on my emotions, relationships, fears, childhood, anger and pains; I know that we aren't the only family that experiences these types of problems. And most importantly to me, I know that I am not the only one at fault. Tony isn't the only one at fault and you and mom aren't the only ones at fault. We all have fault. However, I am the only one that wants to get passed it and move on.

I have moved on, Dad. If only you could see that I am a great Mother, Wife, Friend and Daughter. The divorce changed nothing in those areas. Why can't you see me for who I am? Why can't you look in the mirror and know that I am the woman that you raised me to be: Smart, Passionate, Protective, Faithful, Spiritual, and Tough.

I am your daughter. I am your flesh and blood -- you always said that meant something. You always said that you would be behind me 110% no matter what happened. That you trusted me and that we of the same mind. WHY DID THE DIVORCE CHANGE THAT? And why did you take his side? And why do you hate the man that I do love and loves me back?

When will I wake up from this nightmare and have my father back? I am preparing myself that the answer to that may be never. Daddy, please don't let that be the case. Please remember the one member of the family that was always there for you on the farm, at the plant, when the business needed help, that worked so very hard to make you proud. Please Dad please stop listening to Mom and Alisa and remember that I am your daughter and that I love you. I want you back in my life and I want it to be respectful of my family. Will you ever be able to be that person? Will it be this year? Your 71st year? I pray one day this year will be that day.

You will be in my thoughts all day and I hope that I cross your mind in a loving way.

Your eldest daughter.