The modern day Job

I am a failure in everything I touch. That is all I feel. Maybe I did do something so hideous in my life that God is punishing me and I will never recover. I don't feel God in my life anymore. I don't know if I even know him anymore. What I thought was my personal relationship with him is so different than what I know now.
God, I am lost. Find me! Save me from this pain!!! Please!!! I can't handle this anymore. I cannot go on with this attached to me. I need a sign that everything is going to be okay. What is your will? I have heard that I should look for it but I am not looking in the right place or I just don't know how.
Please help me God. I don't know what to do.

There were Bikes and There were my Blues

I had a really hard time coping this weekend with my emotions. Every where there were bikes with loud pipes and women riding on the back. It was beautiful weather and I wasn't a part of it at all. My love was on his bike. The bike that we bought and the first bike I ever rode. He was the man that taught me to love the motorcycle. He is the only man I will ever ride with. The only man that could make me feel safe. As I drove out of town Friday afternoon, I looked at every bike and wished it was him chasing me. Looking for me to come with him and ride away forever. That, of course, didn't happen. Some of you might remember Days of Our Lives in the 1980s and Bo chased Hope on a motorcycle and saved her while "I need a Hero" was piped in over the TV. It was so romantic and powerful. HHHMMMMM. I guess it was a Soap Opera and not real life. Real life has pain and hurt and hopelessness.
I'm ready for the bikes to leave. However, I know that the sound of loud pipes will always make me heart ache.

I have reached a breaking point

I will not be pushed around by anyone anymore. I am tired of my wishes being second fiddle to the men of my past and men of my present. Everyone has taken for granted that I am easily swayed. No more my friends. My feet are in concrete. My ideas and feelings are worth as much as anyone elses. I love my kids, I love Anthony, but right now I have to learn to love and trust myself more than anything. I hate this time in my life more than anything.

Today is his Birthday

He is 47 years old today. His life began with one woman and since that time women have moved in and out of his life. I may be another one of those women. I believe his mark on me and my mark on him is deep. Life long and deep are those scars --well earned and filled with good memories. Your birthday will always be a national holiday with me. I love you, WCA.

The things he gave me

My life has been forever touched by this man. He taught me so much.
To believe in Angels.
Passion.
Love riding a motorcycle.
How to sit in bed lying down.
Drinking coffee all day.
Sourdough bread with everything.
Praying before meals.
Faith.
How to really hold someone.
Play poker.
Enjoy the quiet.
How to keep baseball scores.
How to stop an anxiety attack.
Be Prepared.
Nascar.
Road Trips for days.
Real Christmas trees.
So much.

Tomorrow is his birthday. His favorite day.

Alone again

The fact keeps getting clearer that I'm going to be alone. It hurts. The fact is Anthony is leaving me and I'm unhappy. I'm sad. I will never be the same.

Watching Dirty Dancing

I realize watching this movie. That Patrick Swayze and Anthony have the same neck and posture. I was in love with Anthony by his posture from the beginning. His neck is so sexy and it was wonderful to have him dance with me. I wanted to be his Baby and be saved from the corner.

Sunday used to be my favorite day

Why we fight? I don't know. I think it is because I won't give in. He won't give in. It is just pain and hurt and fear wrapped into one. Today I wanted to go to the house and sleep under the roof with him. Different rooms but same roof. Just to be at that place would have been nice. It wasn't meant to be tonight. I love you Anthony. I am in Love with you but our love is just too complicated. God didn't want our love to be. I don't understand I will never understand.

First Razorback Game without him

It was my first Pig game without my husband. I wasn't there, he wasn't there and we weren't together. All things were strange. I needed to just watch the game and sit. I did that. I just sat and watched the game and drank red beer. It was good to be emotional about something else. But I was empty on the inside and I teared up a few times when something and I wanted to discuss it with my football fan husband. He called me after the game so I think he was having some of the same feelings. Then a "friend" called and chewed me out for not coming to some girl night party that I wasn't in the mood for. I didn't appreciate it at all. Then, God opened another window and a friend from the past chatted with me on FB. She made me smile. Still I am sad that the game went on and my marriage doesn't.

Facing the friends

It is not easy to end a relationship, but it is even worse to go through the job of telling friends. Or worse, they have already heard. When you know that people know and they don't know what to say. Or they do know what to say, but you don't want to hear it. I love my friends and I know they love me, but it is just so hard to hear them say things and know it is the truth. Hearing the verbal notification that your marriage is over just makes it so real. I survived. That is my option.

I have to make it through this cookout

I have a two hour work cookout. I have to smile and act like I'm not dead on the inside. Like a care about this job or anything right now. I want to go to my house and have six seconds of hugging and kissing and then just sitting and holding each other. Where did that go? He said that he is focusing on himself and I can't do that. I don't know how to stop focusing on him. I don't.

I can't make the crazy stop.

I keep trying to convince my Anthony that we are both to blame. He will never accept that. I just want to end this with some love attached. I want him to always be there for me and I don't want to be alone. Still this is the only place I can vent.

The only place to scream!

My true love is over. Anthony and I have split up and all is left is the civilities. We just couldn't overcome the pressure of my parents, his parents, ex husbands, ex girlfriends, stepkids, lack of financial security. So much. I have to get this out and this is the only place. I am sick inside and out. I don't think anyone of my friends reads this anymore so I'm pretty safe to let it all out.