New Year's Eve

Happy New Year! I guess it has been 4 years since you came to AR. Wow, I never thought we would be in this place. It makes me speechless. If only we could go back and talk to those two people so in love at the Tulsa Airport on New Year's Eve 2005. What would we say? What would not say? 143

It is Monday

It is Monday and I am at work. We didn't have a pretty conversation last night. I didn't mean to upset you . . . I was upset. (but not with you) I hope you like your hat. It should keep your head warm. It was given to you with the best intentions.

Seven

Seven is the perfect number and today is day seven of loving. Showing Pure Love for those around me. It isn't easy to not have the snappy comebacks or to not be mad at those that continue to stab me in the back. I guess that is how you just move on and prioritize what is important. It is hard to tell who is readying this. Are you reading this and just not commenting anymore? Merry Christmas.

O Come All Ye Faithful

The season is about Jesus' birth. How did it evolve to Santa, trees, work parties, tacky lights and fruitcake? This season I have had a horrible time focusing on the "Christmassy" things that usually mean so much to me during December. Some things I have just avoided because it was too painful. However, some clarity has taken place. Pure Love. I'm by no means perfect at it, and I don't know if I will be able to keep it up. But I just want to love.
Isn't that what God did and why we celebrate Christmas? Love us. Send his Son, Jesus, to be a perfect baby just to have him pay for all of our sins. All of our sins. Everyday we sin and that sin has been paid for by our Jesus. There is no love that could be so pure. I'm in awe of just thinking about that right now. Maybe the lack of money, gifts, and other riff raff has left me to focus on Christ.
Pure Love Day 5 Merry Christmas.

Almost Sunday

It was Day 4 of Pure Love and it didn't really go as planned. I have felt awful all day and a depressed mood. Dim is my light today.
I just heard Joy to the World. Joy is such a small word and yet so hard to obtain and keep. Joy, Joy, Joy.

Sweet

The red box with sweet oozy chocolate covered cherries say Christmas to so many. Everyone reaches for the Queen Anne box. Those were special Dark Chocolate Peppermint and there were only three in the box that were uncracked. Pure Love day 2. Merry Christmas.

Today is Thursday

The lights of the Plaza are calling me. I am going to go see them on Saturday night. It will be a long drive alone but I need to take that in and come to terms with what that place means to me. Hopefully there will peace found and thoughts for the future constructed. If I live to be 100, I will never forget the carriage ride and the lights. Day 1 of Pure Love and Merry Christmas.

It is Sunday night

I can't find you anywhere. It scares me not knowing if you are okay. Are you okay? Please be okay.

Movies that make me think of you

I never watched this entire movie until I watched it with you. It is very hard to decorate the tree without you. I am not crying all the time anymore, but I am having a hard time with the material things associated with the holidays of the last 4 years. This song in White Christmas was my favorite.

Bing Crosby - Snow (from white christmas) Lyrics Album:

SnowIt won't be long before we'll all be there with snow
SnowI want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow
SnowI long to clear a path and lift a spade of snow
SnowOh, to see a great big man entirely made of snow
Where it's snowing All winter through
That's where I want to be Snowball throwing
That's what I'll do
How I'm longing to ski
Through the snow-oh-oh-oh-oh
Those glist'ning houses that seem to be built of snow
SnowOh, to see a mountain covered with a quilt of snow
What is Christmas with no snow
No white Christmas with no snow
SnowI'll soon be there with snow
I'll wash my hair with snow
And with a spade of snow
I'll build a man that's made of snow
I'd love to stay up with you but I recommend a little shuteye
Go to sleep And dream Of snow

So Very Tired

I'm tired of fighting the sadness. I'm tired of blocking out the memories. We went to get a live tree today. The first time I picked out a tree without you. I did better than you would have expected. It is around 7 ft. tall and very nice. It has good form and smells very nice. Maybe you taught me well. One thing I will always think of when it is Christmas is picking out real trees with you. You didn't think I would ever get one again, but now that is a big part of the house decorating for me. There are so many things I don't think you understand about me.

The first Holiday

I always thought we did Thanksgiving with a bang so to speak. This is our first Turkey Day apart. It didn't have to be this way. Asking why doesn't seem to help. I'm not sure if you will ever even check this. A year ago were we these people and just didn't know it? I thought of you today that is all I know.

Nickel Creek Song

Google Nickel Creek and listen to this.


"When You Come Back Down"

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

[Bridge:]
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

Response to those who started the hurt.

Mom and Dad,


I appreciate your call and your email, but it is a little too late. What “betterment” would you like to offer me? Shunning me, Lying to me about Jacob, treating people I love like shit, teaching my children to lie and sneak around on me, working with my ex-husband to hurt my custody arrangement? I guess I am just used to being without your “betterment” at this point. I am rebuilding the relationship with my children that you bribed them to destroy. Unlike you, I stand by my kids and will forever.

I don’t work or jump on your timeline anymore. Tony and I asked you to meet with us and start a relationship earlier this year and you refused. Dad even stated to me this summer that he had no room for forgiveness and didn’t believe in it. Glad 71 years of sitting in the First Baptist Church of Harrison taught you both so much about being a Christian.

So you might have to wait for my timeline to heal my hurts. They are deep and fresh. I am 39, educated, employed and one hell of a good person. Would have been nice if you had wanted this healing and betterment three plus years ago. Please review this while you are on your knees praying for me over your 10 pound King James. You both are the epitome of good Sunday Christians. Hope you both like the Heat.

I haven't heard this song in months but it keeps playing in my head

Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there
Feeling unknown
And you're all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I'll make you a believer
Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess
I will deliver
You know I'm a forgiver
Reach out touch faith

Life is not a movie

I wanted so many things. He wanted so many things. Our things match in some areas and not in others. I'm sad. So very sad. I want to be in his arms and click my heels together and we are somewhere else. Not Kansas, but maybe Hawaii or Italy. Instead we are stuck here in Hell on Earth. In the movie, there would be a nice ending that wraps up all the details and everyone would applaud at the grandeur of our love. That isn't even an option for either one of us. It hurts. Love stinks. yeah yeah.

Today is different

Today, I feel somewhat better. Maybe I am just awake after a good night of sleep. I'm still sad and so much more that there are no words to describe, but my mind is clearer today. It could change in 30 min. and it probably will but right now it is clearer.

Faith is a tricky monster

The only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other is that I do believe that only God can heal this. He may use me or my love or a friend or a stranger or something I haven't even heard of. My mind races with feelings and emotions. I go through a large range of feelings every hour.

This was played on June 6, 2006.
(When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And afterall this time, you're still the one I love.) Looks like we made itLook how far we've come my babyWe mighta took the long wayWe knew we'd get there someday They said, "I bet they'll never make it"But just look at us holding onWe're still together still going strong (You're still the one)You're still the one I run toThe one that I belong toYou're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)You're still the one that I loveThe only one I dream ofYou're still the one I kiss good night Ain't nothin' betterWe beat the odds togetherI'm glad we didn't listenLook at what we would be missin' They said, "I bet they'll never make it"But just look at us holding onWe're still together still going strong (You're still the one)You're still the one I run toThe one that I belong toYou're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)You're still the one that I loveThe only one I dream ofYou're still the one I kiss good night (You're still the one)You're still the one I run toThe one that I belong toYou're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)You're still the one that I loveThe only one I dream ofYou're still the one I kiss good nightI'm so glad we've made itLook how far we've come, my baby.

Psalm 34:18

That is all I can say. I'm reading two books right now. It helps to read.

Just a Small Town Girl Living in a Lonely World

It is all I can do not to go to him today. I want to see him. I want to hold him. I want to be with him. I want to make love with him. I want our lives to be different. They are not. The world controls us. We didn't control ourselves.

I hurt in a way that I have never hurt. I literally ache. My mind doesn't even think in coherent thoughts.

The modern day Job

I am a failure in everything I touch. That is all I feel. Maybe I did do something so hideous in my life that God is punishing me and I will never recover. I don't feel God in my life anymore. I don't know if I even know him anymore. What I thought was my personal relationship with him is so different than what I know now.
God, I am lost. Find me! Save me from this pain!!! Please!!! I can't handle this anymore. I cannot go on with this attached to me. I need a sign that everything is going to be okay. What is your will? I have heard that I should look for it but I am not looking in the right place or I just don't know how.
Please help me God. I don't know what to do.

There were Bikes and There were my Blues

I had a really hard time coping this weekend with my emotions. Every where there were bikes with loud pipes and women riding on the back. It was beautiful weather and I wasn't a part of it at all. My love was on his bike. The bike that we bought and the first bike I ever rode. He was the man that taught me to love the motorcycle. He is the only man I will ever ride with. The only man that could make me feel safe. As I drove out of town Friday afternoon, I looked at every bike and wished it was him chasing me. Looking for me to come with him and ride away forever. That, of course, didn't happen. Some of you might remember Days of Our Lives in the 1980s and Bo chased Hope on a motorcycle and saved her while "I need a Hero" was piped in over the TV. It was so romantic and powerful. HHHMMMMM. I guess it was a Soap Opera and not real life. Real life has pain and hurt and hopelessness.
I'm ready for the bikes to leave. However, I know that the sound of loud pipes will always make me heart ache.

I have reached a breaking point

I will not be pushed around by anyone anymore. I am tired of my wishes being second fiddle to the men of my past and men of my present. Everyone has taken for granted that I am easily swayed. No more my friends. My feet are in concrete. My ideas and feelings are worth as much as anyone elses. I love my kids, I love Anthony, but right now I have to learn to love and trust myself more than anything. I hate this time in my life more than anything.

Today is his Birthday

He is 47 years old today. His life began with one woman and since that time women have moved in and out of his life. I may be another one of those women. I believe his mark on me and my mark on him is deep. Life long and deep are those scars --well earned and filled with good memories. Your birthday will always be a national holiday with me. I love you, WCA.

The things he gave me

My life has been forever touched by this man. He taught me so much.
To believe in Angels.
Passion.
Love riding a motorcycle.
How to sit in bed lying down.
Drinking coffee all day.
Sourdough bread with everything.
Praying before meals.
Faith.
How to really hold someone.
Play poker.
Enjoy the quiet.
How to keep baseball scores.
How to stop an anxiety attack.
Be Prepared.
Nascar.
Road Trips for days.
Real Christmas trees.
So much.

Tomorrow is his birthday. His favorite day.

Alone again

The fact keeps getting clearer that I'm going to be alone. It hurts. The fact is Anthony is leaving me and I'm unhappy. I'm sad. I will never be the same.

Watching Dirty Dancing

I realize watching this movie. That Patrick Swayze and Anthony have the same neck and posture. I was in love with Anthony by his posture from the beginning. His neck is so sexy and it was wonderful to have him dance with me. I wanted to be his Baby and be saved from the corner.

Sunday used to be my favorite day

Why we fight? I don't know. I think it is because I won't give in. He won't give in. It is just pain and hurt and fear wrapped into one. Today I wanted to go to the house and sleep under the roof with him. Different rooms but same roof. Just to be at that place would have been nice. It wasn't meant to be tonight. I love you Anthony. I am in Love with you but our love is just too complicated. God didn't want our love to be. I don't understand I will never understand.

First Razorback Game without him

It was my first Pig game without my husband. I wasn't there, he wasn't there and we weren't together. All things were strange. I needed to just watch the game and sit. I did that. I just sat and watched the game and drank red beer. It was good to be emotional about something else. But I was empty on the inside and I teared up a few times when something and I wanted to discuss it with my football fan husband. He called me after the game so I think he was having some of the same feelings. Then a "friend" called and chewed me out for not coming to some girl night party that I wasn't in the mood for. I didn't appreciate it at all. Then, God opened another window and a friend from the past chatted with me on FB. She made me smile. Still I am sad that the game went on and my marriage doesn't.

Facing the friends

It is not easy to end a relationship, but it is even worse to go through the job of telling friends. Or worse, they have already heard. When you know that people know and they don't know what to say. Or they do know what to say, but you don't want to hear it. I love my friends and I know they love me, but it is just so hard to hear them say things and know it is the truth. Hearing the verbal notification that your marriage is over just makes it so real. I survived. That is my option.

I have to make it through this cookout

I have a two hour work cookout. I have to smile and act like I'm not dead on the inside. Like a care about this job or anything right now. I want to go to my house and have six seconds of hugging and kissing and then just sitting and holding each other. Where did that go? He said that he is focusing on himself and I can't do that. I don't know how to stop focusing on him. I don't.

I can't make the crazy stop.

I keep trying to convince my Anthony that we are both to blame. He will never accept that. I just want to end this with some love attached. I want him to always be there for me and I don't want to be alone. Still this is the only place I can vent.

The only place to scream!

My true love is over. Anthony and I have split up and all is left is the civilities. We just couldn't overcome the pressure of my parents, his parents, ex husbands, ex girlfriends, stepkids, lack of financial security. So much. I have to get this out and this is the only place. I am sick inside and out. I don't think anyone of my friends reads this anymore so I'm pretty safe to let it all out.

The mess left behind - Ice Storm 2009

It has been a week here in Northwest Arkansas and the storm is still fresh in our minds. The worst ice storm on record. There are hundreds of bucket trucks and teams from all over the country trying to restore power to our area. I met with a man today that is still in a hotel room because he has been told he will not have power for at least one more week. Some of our friends are still hanging out at our house because they are also powerless. So many trees, yards, roofs, fridges, freezers, and groceries have been destroyed and just in a matter of 48 hours. I have seen tornado damage that was in an area, but this is everywhere. Trees are broken as far as the eye can see and telephone poles are down everywhere. It seriously looks like a different place.

Not to mention, I haven't seen anyone that isn't out of sorts emotionally from this storm. Drained beyond belief. However, we are a tough group of rednecks so I'm sure we will weather this storm. Take care of yourselves and each other.

The Ice Storm of 2009

Wait five minutes in Arkansas and the weather will change. I love the four seasons, but the Hubby is not as crazy about all the different extremes that we experience. It has been a wild ride the last 3 plus days, but we have been so blessed to have warmth, food and friends. Here are some of the pictures for those of you outside Northwest Arkansas.

Knitting Update

Okay, some of these were Christmas presents and some were recent baby gifts and I need to do a work in progress update but here are a few pictures to prove I am still knitting and learning new things.

A New President

I will annoy my conservative friends with this post, but that never stopped me.

Hopefully, God will guide our President and country in the future toward the changes that need to happen.

With that said . . . Bye Bye W.

Thanks for leaving us with a trillion dollar deficit,

the high unemployment rate,

thousands of our service men and women dead, maimed or injured for life,

a foreclosure of homes increase of 80%,

destroying our strong foreign policy,

not capturing Osama,

doing such a poor job of helping the gulf coast after Katrina,

lying to all the people about how you were so Pro-Life and were going to change America. I could go on for days, but I won't because today is a bright new day.

Now I will be just as tough on the new admin. Trust me. I am not a blind limousine liberal. (Remember, I still eat SPAM) I will support those that make moves in the "right" and "left" direction, but we must move and the past year has hurt all of us.

I prayed every night for W. and the post admin. (even when I didn't want to) and I encourage all of you to do the same for Mr. Obama and his cabinet as he takes America's lead post.

2009 Comments

I want comments! I let it slide in 2008, but now I must speak out. I want comments. (please take a moment to visualize me stomping my foot)

That is done. It is very simple. Just click on the comments section at the bottom of the post. The blog format has been adjusted and you DO NOT have to have a google account to leave a message. I'm just tired of hearing from you guys about the blog and never seeing the comments. So get with the program people. If you don't think I'm talking to you then let me get your attention:

If you are old family in California, then I'm talking to you.
If you are new found family, then I'm talking to you.
If I know you from the Valley, then I'm talking to you.
If you are our Catholic friends, then I'm talking to you.
If you are my WalMart friends, then I'm talking to you.
If you work with me, then I'm talking to you.
If I consider you my weirdest friend, then I'm talking to you.
If I have sat in the rain with you at a soccer tournament or baseball tournament, then I'm talking to you.
If you knit with me, then I am talking to you.
If you dated my husband before he was my husband, then I'm talking to you.
If you are a Razorback fan, I am talking too you!

Whew, now I have that off my chest. Thank goodness, my list-stopping medication just came in the mail, so this list must come to an end.