It was a friendly night

It was a revelation for me and I think in someways for you. It was a step. Not just a baby step. I am praying that we have the wisdom to make the right steps. I know this sounds funny, but I did feel like I had dinner with a friend. FYI that is a good thing.

Snow reminds me

I wish we were stuck in the snow somewhere and the world would leave us alone. The world is our evil enemy most of the time.

I finally grew up

It will be hard to explain this to you or anyone. Tonight, I quit being my parent's child and grew up. There wasn't yelling or screaming. Just a conversation where I spoke about what I wanted and about the people I love. I admitted my sins and I informed them of theirs. God was with me. He calmed my soul and my mind to move forward. You also need to be thanked because you forced my hand. I would never had done this without you. I cannot predict the future, but I am thankful that this night happened and you were the primary reason. My love for you.

Thank you for dinner

I'm really not sure if you even look at this anymore. Thank you for dinner tonight. I'm glad you remembered my birthday. That is special. I know we are both trying. Good night. I will see you in my 40s.

Rob Thomas :: Someday Lyrics

Rob Thomas :: Someday Lyrics: "You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry
And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday
Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone
And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday
I don't wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow
'Cuz maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday
'Cuz sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again
'Cuz sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again"

Happy 3rd

In a few hours it will be the third of March. It will be three years and 9 months since I became your wife. I am now so alone. I am crying for you and how much I miss you. This is the most horrible pain I have ever known and I am scared that I will never know anything else.

Sleep Impossible

It is a long week and once again I am not sleeping. I was overwhelmed by some of the things that have gone on between us. Some good and some bad. There are hurdles to make on both sides and reestablishing communication. We did progress and that makes me smile. Really right now I don't think you have seen this blog in a long time. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe technology isn't always our friend. It has been a long time since Party Poker. :) Just writing some random thoughts. At least we are supporting each other in our endeavors. It is late and I am going to try to go to bed. 45-143-353.

Another Tradition

It is Fat Tuesday all ready. Mardi Gras I guess most would say. We would always go to the casino with what we can call "your friends" because they aren't mine anymore. Or at least 3 or the 4 don't want to be my friend anymore. I wish them no harm nor do I want to be ugly about it. I guess it is the same way you feel about some of my friends. I miss them and our times together. I miss you every night and every day. I miss you when it is a weird holiday like Fat Tuesday. Those were fun and good times.

Lost and Sad

I've never been in this place before. There is no place that is whole. My body and my heart are torn to different parts of this world. Never peace never secure never completely whole. Where are the arms that are suppossed to hold me and keep me safe? Did I just fantasize that those arms and that man would be different? Why isn't my life different? Why did God make this my path? Will I ever know that answer?

Late

Always a day late and a dollar short. Such is my life and it seems to be an example of your life. Sadness is a constant wave of emotion over me. Almost deadened on the inside. Deep places that only you can touch are wasting away. They are thirsty for your faint words of love. Looking daily to faith to carry me and guide my decisions. Are you? I believe all things are possible. I am waiting for my life's will to speak to me. Just late night thoughts . . . Not sure they make much rhyme or reason but they flowed out. 143

Trust

It was nice to hear that you trust me. I do trust you. Sometimes, I don't like you very much but I do love you and I do Trust You. I was thinking that we have had so much adversity in the last 4 years that when it is just you and me trying to accomplish something like we did tonight . . . it goes rather smooth. Isn't that ironic? 143

Advice

To those they may drop in to see the latest drama. Here is some sound advice. Don't fall in love. ever! It isn't better to love and lost than to never love at all. It is better to be in love until death parts you. Don't put material things and treasure as an important part of anything. It is fun and everyone loves the stuff, but at what cost?
Never leave your soul mate. Because your soul stays with them when you go. Never really find out what crying your eyes out means. It hurts.
I just can't stop the hurt. Never get in a place that you can't stop the hurt.

Friday

45 143 353. Understand? Know it is true.

This is a song from the Weepies. I dedicate it to 2009.

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”

Snowing

It is Sunday night and I think the snow is beautiful, but you are not here to share it with. I am sad that we are not together tonight or any night. Tomorrow is a new beginning for you and it is a sad day because the house is being auctioned off. I hope your first day of work goes well. I hope you can stay in the house for a few months until things are better. Miss you so much right now. It hurts.