Response to those who started the hurt.

Mom and Dad,


I appreciate your call and your email, but it is a little too late. What “betterment” would you like to offer me? Shunning me, Lying to me about Jacob, treating people I love like shit, teaching my children to lie and sneak around on me, working with my ex-husband to hurt my custody arrangement? I guess I am just used to being without your “betterment” at this point. I am rebuilding the relationship with my children that you bribed them to destroy. Unlike you, I stand by my kids and will forever.

I don’t work or jump on your timeline anymore. Tony and I asked you to meet with us and start a relationship earlier this year and you refused. Dad even stated to me this summer that he had no room for forgiveness and didn’t believe in it. Glad 71 years of sitting in the First Baptist Church of Harrison taught you both so much about being a Christian.

So you might have to wait for my timeline to heal my hurts. They are deep and fresh. I am 39, educated, employed and one hell of a good person. Would have been nice if you had wanted this healing and betterment three plus years ago. Please review this while you are on your knees praying for me over your 10 pound King James. You both are the epitome of good Sunday Christians. Hope you both like the Heat.

I haven't heard this song in months but it keeps playing in my head

Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there
Feeling unknown
And you're all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I'll make you a believer
Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess
I will deliver
You know I'm a forgiver
Reach out touch faith

Life is not a movie

I wanted so many things. He wanted so many things. Our things match in some areas and not in others. I'm sad. So very sad. I want to be in his arms and click my heels together and we are somewhere else. Not Kansas, but maybe Hawaii or Italy. Instead we are stuck here in Hell on Earth. In the movie, there would be a nice ending that wraps up all the details and everyone would applaud at the grandeur of our love. That isn't even an option for either one of us. It hurts. Love stinks. yeah yeah.

Today is different

Today, I feel somewhat better. Maybe I am just awake after a good night of sleep. I'm still sad and so much more that there are no words to describe, but my mind is clearer today. It could change in 30 min. and it probably will but right now it is clearer.

Faith is a tricky monster

The only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other is that I do believe that only God can heal this. He may use me or my love or a friend or a stranger or something I haven't even heard of. My mind races with feelings and emotions. I go through a large range of feelings every hour.

This was played on June 6, 2006.
(When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And afterall this time, you're still the one I love.) Looks like we made itLook how far we've come my babyWe mighta took the long wayWe knew we'd get there someday They said, "I bet they'll never make it"But just look at us holding onWe're still together still going strong (You're still the one)You're still the one I run toThe one that I belong toYou're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)You're still the one that I loveThe only one I dream ofYou're still the one I kiss good night Ain't nothin' betterWe beat the odds togetherI'm glad we didn't listenLook at what we would be missin' They said, "I bet they'll never make it"But just look at us holding onWe're still together still going strong (You're still the one)You're still the one I run toThe one that I belong toYou're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)You're still the one that I loveThe only one I dream ofYou're still the one I kiss good night (You're still the one)You're still the one I run toThe one that I belong toYou're still the one I want for life(You're still the one)You're still the one that I loveThe only one I dream ofYou're still the one I kiss good nightI'm so glad we've made itLook how far we've come, my baby.

Psalm 34:18

That is all I can say. I'm reading two books right now. It helps to read.

Just a Small Town Girl Living in a Lonely World

It is all I can do not to go to him today. I want to see him. I want to hold him. I want to be with him. I want to make love with him. I want our lives to be different. They are not. The world controls us. We didn't control ourselves.

I hurt in a way that I have never hurt. I literally ache. My mind doesn't even think in coherent thoughts.